Once upon a time there was a little girl. She loved with all of her heart. For her heart was big. People would come and they would tell her she was sweet or she was funny. Sometimes, they would tell her she was cute. So she would break of a piece of that giant heart for she knew hers was extra big and made for sharing. The people would gladly take the pieces. Yet, the people would always leave…sometimes very slowly and sometimes they would scuttle off in a jif. In return, they would leave a piece of their pain for the little girl to absorb where she had given her heart. As the girl aged, she came to expect nothing more than the pain in return for that is what she had been conditioned to. However, she had heard whispers of a great healer called “Forgiveness”and it is on a search for the great healer she went on a journey.
My life has been a scattered array of people in and out. People telling me they would never leave and certainly never hurt me yet it often seems that I end up with a lump in my throat asking where everyone is. I’ve come to a place where I have learned to shelter myself from letting anyone really get to close as a matter of self preservation. I can’t let my heart scar if you can’t get to it with a knife. However, I’m questioning if I am really able to experience any kind of life at all that way. Instead, I am trying to teach myself to learn how to forgive.
Forgiveness isn’t easy. People think forgiveness and forgetting have to coincide in one bundle. I’ve found so rarely that they do. What I am finding is the the hardest part to forgiveness is allowing myself to feel the emotions that hurt me in the first place and actually dealing with the moments instead of just leaving them lay dead. I can’t forgive someone if I don’t deal with the shit that’s there. Fear, pain, rejection…things I don’t deal with well. Usually, when I need to forgive someone, they have inflicted one of things on me. That means I need to deal with it. I can’t ignore it anymore. Those emotions and pains are going to come out. It is going to be real and it is going to be raw.
The more I age, I try not to put myself in any situation where those things are going to happen. Almost all of my life I have dealt with rejection. I’ve known I was never really wanted. That being said, I try to never put myself in a position where that is the case. I try to only be in positions where I have the upper hand so letting myself be vulnerable is one of the most scary things I can do. I choose not to let my guard down that way I can’t get hurt…Is that the best way to life my life though? Closed off and not allowing myself to feel? What am I missing in the meantime?
Recently, I had to deal with death of one of the people who was sexually agressive to me as a child. It was sort of a numbing experience. A friend of mine told me it was really okay for me to hate him and I responded that I didn’t hate him. I had no good feelings toward him and no good memories when he was in my life but not hate. I felt really sorry for him. I know of others that he sexually assaulted. I feel sad for them. I wish I could have protected them. Although I was a child, I feel like I was responsible. I pray it didn’t continue. I love his family and I feel sad for them because they knew he was sick too. I haven’t been able to forgive him or myself. Yet, I don’t hate him. I’m relieved he isn’t here though to hurt anyone else. I wish for no one else to deal with these memories.
Is there a way to forgive without dealing with the memories and the pain or is that like painting with a brush? Sometimes, the journey is so long and exhausting I wonder if it is even worth it but I can’t just keep breaking off pieces of my heart for everyone who comes along…there isn’t too much left.